It is so easy for me to get up in "right now". I am definitely "in touch with my emotions"--so much so that they can in the way and keep me from focusing on fact, rather than feeling. Looking back at my journal entry from several months ago (sometimes this feels like forever, sometimes like a moment), I am able to see how things have changed, how I have changed, how I have yet to change, and how God is always at work!
More from October 19, 2007:
I've never felt so disconnected from the world around me as I do now. Do other people feel like I do? I've never felt like such an outsider. I know that I am called to be 'in' the world and not 'of' the world, but sometimes I feel "out" of everything, even Christian community.
Sometimes I feel alone. I know that I shouldn't--because you, Lord, are always here with me.
A few days later I wrote this:
On Sunday I got to talk to three other women who know a little of what I'm going through in this "transition".
And even since then I have seen my "community" grow. I am feeling more connected. I've taken little baby steps of faith and been blessed by the results. I miss my friendships from school. I miss the safety and familiarity that I had grown to love over four years. I miss the community that was created by people being in the same stage of life and same place!
I am anxious to know that God has for me, but I am trying to be patient and take one day at a time. I really like the new friends that I have made and I look forward to how those friendships will grow. I love being at home with my family and getting to know them in this new time of my life and theirs. I love my church family and the many ways that I have been blessed by them! I really do have so much.
Lord, please continue to grow me and change my heart. Help me to content and abundantly satisfied by all that I have and all the people that you have placed in my life. Help me to love them. Grant me humility and grace for everyone that I meet, that I may glorify you in all that I do.
Monday, May 28, 2007
The Repeat Button of My Heart
It seems like I am living parts of my life over and over. Well, just three month increments of this past year. I've been asking the same questions; fighting the same fears; feeling the same feelings. A journal entry from October seems to say almost exactly what I'm thinking today:
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Thursday night, after choir practice, sitting at Starbucks, drinking a Caramel Machiatto.
I pulled out Sunday's church bulletin and on the insert was the following "Final Thought" for the week. Ephesians 2:10: "We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." and this quote by Parker Palmer (I'm not sure who that is...something to look up sometime): "Vocation does not come from a voice 'out there' calling me to be something I am not. It comes from a voice 'in here' calling me to be the person I was born to be to fulfill the original selfhood given me at birth by God."
Both of these quotes really connected with thoughts that I've had lately. What is my purpose that God has created for me? What are the good works that God has prepared for me? What is the "vocation" for which God has given me an inward calling for?
Lord, my God, my Creator, my King! What should it look like for me to live for you? To follow the path you have laid for me?
...(text omitted for future comment)...
Jesus, who am I? Who did you create me to be? Am I getting close? I know that I am a different person [now], that I have changed--but am I better? Am I more like you?
I want to walk closely with you, Lord, like I have before. I want to hear your voice. Give me patience, Lord, as I wait for you, for your direction, for your peace. Please search my heart and show me if there is any offensive way in me.
It's refreshing to read my own thoughts from a few months ago. Somethings have changed (the part I ommitted) and God has answered prayers, which I will write about in my next post. What has not changed is most of my thoughts written above, especially the questions about direction and guidance for my life and vocation. When I wrote this journal entry I had been at a job for about a month that I knew I wouldn't be at forever. I did not think, however, that it would be jusst a few months later that I would have a new job. Now, I can say the same thing...again.
This week will be my last week at a job that I thought would be great--and wasn't. I am disappointed that it didn't work out, but I'm okay with leaving. This leaves me, however, without a job. Next week I will be house and dog sitting and beginning to work on re-doing my bedroom. Really, I would like a job that I just like, something flexible, even part-time. I'm hoping that this time will one in which I can truly rest and recover from my challenging time overseas.
My prayer is the same...I want to walk closely with Lord during this time and always. May my love for Him increase each day.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Thursday night, after choir practice, sitting at Starbucks, drinking a Caramel Machiatto.
I pulled out Sunday's church bulletin and on the insert was the following "Final Thought" for the week. Ephesians 2:10: "We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." and this quote by Parker Palmer (I'm not sure who that is...something to look up sometime): "Vocation does not come from a voice 'out there' calling me to be something I am not. It comes from a voice 'in here' calling me to be the person I was born to be to fulfill the original selfhood given me at birth by God."
Both of these quotes really connected with thoughts that I've had lately. What is my purpose that God has created for me? What are the good works that God has prepared for me? What is the "vocation" for which God has given me an inward calling for?
Lord, my God, my Creator, my King! What should it look like for me to live for you? To follow the path you have laid for me?
...(text omitted for future comment)...
Jesus, who am I? Who did you create me to be? Am I getting close? I know that I am a different person [now], that I have changed--but am I better? Am I more like you?
I want to walk closely with you, Lord, like I have before. I want to hear your voice. Give me patience, Lord, as I wait for you, for your direction, for your peace. Please search my heart and show me if there is any offensive way in me.
It's refreshing to read my own thoughts from a few months ago. Somethings have changed (the part I ommitted) and God has answered prayers, which I will write about in my next post. What has not changed is most of my thoughts written above, especially the questions about direction and guidance for my life and vocation. When I wrote this journal entry I had been at a job for about a month that I knew I wouldn't be at forever. I did not think, however, that it would be jusst a few months later that I would have a new job. Now, I can say the same thing...again.
This week will be my last week at a job that I thought would be great--and wasn't. I am disappointed that it didn't work out, but I'm okay with leaving. This leaves me, however, without a job. Next week I will be house and dog sitting and beginning to work on re-doing my bedroom. Really, I would like a job that I just like, something flexible, even part-time. I'm hoping that this time will one in which I can truly rest and recover from my challenging time overseas.
My prayer is the same...I want to walk closely with Lord during this time and always. May my love for Him increase each day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)