It seems like I am living parts of my life over and over. Well, just three month increments of this past year. I've been asking the same questions; fighting the same fears; feeling the same feelings. A journal entry from October seems to say almost exactly what I'm thinking today:
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Thursday night, after choir practice, sitting at Starbucks, drinking a Caramel Machiatto.
I pulled out Sunday's church bulletin and on the insert was the following "Final Thought" for the week. Ephesians 2:10: "We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." and this quote by Parker Palmer (I'm not sure who that is...something to look up sometime): "Vocation does not come from a voice 'out there' calling me to be something I am not. It comes from a voice 'in here' calling me to be the person I was born to be to fulfill the original selfhood given me at birth by God."
Both of these quotes really connected with thoughts that I've had lately. What is my purpose that God has created for me? What are the good works that God has prepared for me? What is the "vocation" for which God has given me an inward calling for?
Lord, my God, my Creator, my King! What should it look like for me to live for you? To follow the path you have laid for me?
...(text omitted for future comment)...
Jesus, who am I? Who did you create me to be? Am I getting close? I know that I am a different person [now], that I have changed--but am I better? Am I more like you?
I want to walk closely with you, Lord, like I have before. I want to hear your voice. Give me patience, Lord, as I wait for you, for your direction, for your peace. Please search my heart and show me if there is any offensive way in me.
It's refreshing to read my own thoughts from a few months ago. Somethings have changed (the part I ommitted) and God has answered prayers, which I will write about in my next post. What has not changed is most of my thoughts written above, especially the questions about direction and guidance for my life and vocation. When I wrote this journal entry I had been at a job for about a month that I knew I wouldn't be at forever. I did not think, however, that it would be jusst a few months later that I would have a new job. Now, I can say the same thing...again.
This week will be my last week at a job that I thought would be great--and wasn't. I am disappointed that it didn't work out, but I'm okay with leaving. This leaves me, however, without a job. Next week I will be house and dog sitting and beginning to work on re-doing my bedroom. Really, I would like a job that I just like, something flexible, even part-time. I'm hoping that this time will one in which I can truly rest and recover from my challenging time overseas.
My prayer is the same...I want to walk closely with Lord during this time and always. May my love for Him increase each day.
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